aNoThEr pOeM

I have not written here for a while because finals are coming up, so I have to start getting ready for them.

Again, I found a poem in my computer. (How many poems did I write on this thing, anyway?!) Unfortunately, I don’t have a title for this one.

I enjoyed the simple luxuries of life
Pursuing my future without breaking a stride
Abruptly, I had to leave it all
And settle for a place miles away from home

Suddenly my plans were threatened
Will I be able to continue what has always been planned?
With my origins fighting over the smallest things
I’m afraid that a scar could form from a simple sting

I could feel reality sting my eyes
Anxiety surfacing every sleepless night
Always asking myself, “Can I make it,
Will I have the will to fight through this shit?”

Nothing to do but sit tight
And watch as fate unfolds my life
I just hope that the wait is worthwhile
Because I can’t keep on masking a fake smile

mEmOriEs

I was supposed to finish my sociology reaction paper (yes, unfortunately, I’m not done with that effin’ thing yet), but I found myself lurking around my computer. Then, I found this file titled “diary,” and I remember writing a bunch of stuff in it. So I opened it and skimmed through some of it, then I ended up on the last entry: a poem.

I do remember writing this, but I can’t quite recall what my thoughts were when I wrote it. My best bet is homesickness. I mean, everyday, all I ever think about is going back home (LOL. I know, I’m such a baby).

It’s kind of weird, though. The first thing I thought of when I read this was “love” or something related to it. It just gives off that kind of feeling.

Actually, I used to have a notebook (since senior year of high school) where I wrote all my poems. I wonder where it is now. It was pretty neat, I might say. But, sad to say, I don’t write that much nowadays. Can’t find any inspiration for it, I guess.

Oh, uhm, the title’s not really “Memories,” but it kept repeating the word, so I might as well use it as the title.

********

It’s so hard to not have someone to talk to
It’s so hard that I feel like my head’s gonna spilt in two
Will I ever be able to express
These feelings forever suppressed
Or will I just have to settle with the memories left…
In me

I try to reach out, open up, be heard
Asking myself, “Is it worth it to be ignored?”
So I end up holding back
In a dark corner I quietly sat
Whatever happened to the person that was once in my…
Memories

Should I forget who I am to adjust?
When all who knew are now the past?

Memories, don’t leave me
Oh memories, please help me
Don’t hide at the back of my head
Help me find someone to have our needs met
Oh memories, stay here beside me

********

I know I wrote this and everything, but I kind of find the “…” thing funny. I don’t know how I came up with that idea. I don’t even know WHY I came up with it.
Oh well.

cAn’T sLeEp

(This was an old entry. I just reposted it.)

It’s quarter to 4am, and I can’t sleep. I can feel my eyes dropping down, but whenever I find myself on the bed, I just can’t fall asleep! I have absolutely no idea why, but I just stare around the dark room and think. Think what? I don’t really know… It’s like a mix of everything: my finals, home, my friends, school… So many things run in my mind for the last few hours, and I just can’t seem to fall asleep.

So I just decided to write on this thing. I’m not quite sure if I’m going to be able to sleep after all this, but I’m just hoping that it will help, in some twisted way.

Ok, so where do I start?

Right!

NUMBER ONE: In Canada, I have ZERO social life.

And I hate it.

I can’t really say that I was popular back home, but I did know a lot of people. It even came to a point that wherever I go (in school), I always end up greeting somebody along the hallway, always have someone to talk to, and even always have someone to borrow books or calculators from whenever I need some. I’m even shocked myself whenever I think about this because I was never a sociable person. I was more of the quiet and don’t-give-a-damn-to-the-world type who you’ll always find at the corner of the classroom either sleeping or just have a blank look on her face. But somehow, it worked for me. I still gained a lot of friends and even came off as a funny person to some people (I have absolutely no idea how this came to be).

But where I am right now, It doesn’t work. ABSOLUTELY… no effect.

My aloofness and standard sit-at-the-corner-of-the-room habit has gotten me nowhere in regards to my social life. I’ve been in Canada for over a year now, and unfortunately, I haven’t made any friends. Well, I have made some at work, but now that I’m NOT working and just concentrating on college, it’s pretty damn harsh. I feel so alone with no one to talk to. Even though I have some friends from work, I’ve never really spent that much time with them for us to be “friends.”

I know it sounds pretty shallow, I mean it does for me, but it’s the truth. I can’t even believe that I’m complaining about such a small thing. I just realized that I’m so used to not exerting any effort when it comes to my social life that when I found myself in an entirely different place, I was kind of… well, I guess… lonely. I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life, and that scares the crap out of me. I miss home uncontrollably (but not to the point that I’m on the verge of tears, thank God!), and I always end up daydreaming of how it would be if I was back home. I mean, I’m so homesick that I even did something that I would NEVER IMAGINE myself do: write a freaking blog about it!

Oh well!