aM i wOrTh aLL tHe bLaMe?

Whenever they ask, I always tell them I’m alright
Though they know I’m just keeping it out of their sight
I can feel everything crumble inside
Proving the fact that I’m far beyond from fine

I want the beating to stop
Dive into myself and make all these bones crack
They say it’s as big as one’s fist
Looks like I just have to settle on cutting my wrist

I’m tired of taking all the blame
Controlling myself as I swallow the pain
There are still two drags left for me to take
Better get it over with for all time’s sake

Two drags… That’s all that’s left
I have to keep these emotions at rest
All the insecurities which haunt me at night
Making me question my existence as I slowly close my eyes

jUsT wiSh tO eNd iT aLL

Too much stress
Too many decisions that needed an end
I’m starting to feel the pain seep
Haunting my dreams as I sleep

I need to slice through it all
To ease the confusion
To have some peace
Even for just one moment
I want it all to suspend

So fed up with these pretensions
And people making stupid assumptions
Hear me crying
Hear me screaming
For once
Hear me out

a sOnG oF hAtE

I can’t think of anything for the title of this poem. Well, actually, NONE of my poems are titled, so I just always settle on whatever recurring word or concept I find in the entry. Here goes~

You constantly underestimate me
But I never got the chance to prove you wrong
Even though I have all these skills and wit
You still won’t listen to this song

I hate you
I despise you

The bass is already beating with my heart
Blood is boiling inside of me as it bled
I wanted to rip my insides apart
Knowing that you haven’t listened to a word I said

I hate you
I despise you
There are no other words to describe this feeling
You made me think that you cared
Turns out you only used me
Used me and made me give you my head

yOu kNoW wHo yOu aRe…

Well, I hope you do, that is.

Anyway, I combined two poems because they both conveyed the same kind of feeling. Both of them are actually the last two poems on my notebook, and somehow, it made me think about the feelings I had when I decided to stop writing.

I feel my heart skip a beat
Then my breath became a gasp
Finally, I act cool as I make my retreat
This is the routine I have learned to mask

I’ve always wanted to escape through
Free myself to have the ability to express the truth
But to run against a wall mounted with concrete
Leaves me to merely hope for us to again someday meet

Was this what they meant when they said “Love hurts”?
Or was it to stop a heart’s longing to experience dirt?
To fail, to succeed; to be hated, to be loved
Isn’t true happiness only felt after one’s done being loved?

Overwhelming conflicts drown me in confusion
For all I wanted was to touch you, hold you… to love you
But I can’t even bring myself to show you how I truly feel
Since I fear the definite rejection you are bound to give

So many chances went by unnoticed
Opportunities impossible to miss
I should have set my pride aside and came to you
Before suddenly letting the blade slice through

Now I leave with all the memories kept
Always will remember the times you almost made me wept
I’ll miss the complicated friendship we had
Especially the smile that makes me ecstatic from being blank

Three words were left unsaid
The one mistake I can never correct
As I fly away with no one but myself to rescue
For the first and last time, I loved you

dOn’T cOmMiT sUiCiDe

I have this friend who used to be suicidal. I was already in Canada when I heard about it from my friends. I was pretty scared for that person. WE were all scared. The fact that I was thousands of miles away from one of my closest friends during those times… The feelings I felt were beyond words.

But I’m just glad it’s all over now–that we’re all over it. I just hope it does not happen again or to someone else.

I wrote this in a very blunt way. No deep words, no hidden meanings. Also, I’m apologizing for some of the foul words I wrote. I hope nobody gets offended.

A lot of things had been going on lately, I know
Crams, pressure, the assumptions, your goal
But don’t you dare perceive faith
Because she’s not worthy of every cent you’ll make

Hold on
For just a little time
Don’t fuck up your time

As I inhale death, I think of you
I can never comprehend whatever it is you’re going through
So help me… No, help US help you
Since there’s no way we’re gonna leave you

Hold on
For just a little more time
Don’t fuck up your life

I regret all the times I made you feel less
But still, I don’t want the memories to end
I’m the one who’s sick, I’m the black sheep
So don’t go around feeling like shit

Hold on
Take a step behind
We have no plans leaving your side
For together, we’ll do the crive
Don’t make your life replace mine
Don’t commit suicide

aNoThEr pOeM

I have not written here for a while because finals are coming up, so I have to start getting ready for them.

Again, I found a poem in my computer. (How many poems did I write on this thing, anyway?!) Unfortunately, I don’t have a title for this one.

I enjoyed the simple luxuries of life
Pursuing my future without breaking a stride
Abruptly, I had to leave it all
And settle for a place miles away from home

Suddenly my plans were threatened
Will I be able to continue what has always been planned?
With my origins fighting over the smallest things
I’m afraid that a scar could form from a simple sting

I could feel reality sting my eyes
Anxiety surfacing every sleepless night
Always asking myself, “Can I make it,
Will I have the will to fight through this shit?”

Nothing to do but sit tight
And watch as fate unfolds my life
I just hope that the wait is worthwhile
Because I can’t keep on masking a fake smile

mEmOriEs

I was supposed to finish my sociology reaction paper (yes, unfortunately, I’m not done with that effin’ thing yet), but I found myself lurking around my computer. Then, I found this file titled “diary,” and I remember writing a bunch of stuff in it. So I opened it and skimmed through some of it, then I ended up on the last entry: a poem.

I do remember writing this, but I can’t quite recall what my thoughts were when I wrote it. My best bet is homesickness. I mean, everyday, all I ever think about is going back home (LOL. I know, I’m such a baby).

It’s kind of weird, though. The first thing I thought of when I read this was “love” or something related to it. It just gives off that kind of feeling.

Actually, I used to have a notebook (since senior year of high school) where I wrote all my poems. I wonder where it is now. It was pretty neat, I might say. But, sad to say, I don’t write that much nowadays. Can’t find any inspiration for it, I guess.

Oh, uhm, the title’s not really “Memories,” but it kept repeating the word, so I might as well use it as the title.

********

It’s so hard to not have someone to talk to
It’s so hard that I feel like my head’s gonna spilt in two
Will I ever be able to express
These feelings forever suppressed
Or will I just have to settle with the memories left…
In me

I try to reach out, open up, be heard
Asking myself, “Is it worth it to be ignored?”
So I end up holding back
In a dark corner I quietly sat
Whatever happened to the person that was once in my…
Memories

Should I forget who I am to adjust?
When all who knew are now the past?

Memories, don’t leave me
Oh memories, please help me
Don’t hide at the back of my head
Help me find someone to have our needs met
Oh memories, stay here beside me

********

I know I wrote this and everything, but I kind of find the “…” thing funny. I don’t know how I came up with that idea. I don’t even know WHY I came up with it.
Oh well.